The world is divided into suckers, and people who matter. Believe me, it hurts to be a sucker.
Notice that suckers are always waiting patiently for something. You are
too important for that. No one ever got ahead by being patient. So pull your gut in, jut your chin out, stick your best foot forward, and tell the world you matter. Below are some ideas for you to try. They may feel a little awkward at first, like you're drawing undue attention to yourself. But if you persevere, these behaviors will quickly become second-nature. Ready?
In backed up traffic, avail yourself of the extra space in the right shoulder to pass the suckers patiently waiting (see what I mean?) their turn. Earn bonus points if you (a) run a cyclist off the road, or (b) honk loudly when you are forced to merge into traffic with mere mortals.
You run into another line of suckers patiently waiting (told'ya) for service in front of a busy deli counter. Deftly sidestepping them, rap on the counter with your knuckles, and yell "Miss, miss!" until you get a clerk's attention. Then, you simply place your order. Not enough balls to try this? Well, see, you're not important enough. Practice it first by feigning a foreign accent and lack of familiarity with local customs. (This works in a bank line, too. Those mazes they place in front of teller windows are for suckers. They're not for you. Just walk right on up to the teller and state your business.)
Remember, that whenever they open up an extra register at the supermarket, they open it for you, not for the sucker who was next in line. They are only required to say that for good PR.
When waiting at a red light to make a right turn, go the instant the light turns green. Green means GO! Pedestrians? What pedestrians? They're suckers. Get even more bonus points if you run through a puddle and spray them with mud.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. See if you can come up with some ideas on your own. Follow these guidelines:
- Remember to always put yourself first.
- Put your needs first.
- Push your own agenda.
- Don't make eye contact. Look over the suckers' heads.
When you can cut off a mom with a stroller, force the old lady back on the sidewalk, spray the UPS man with salty puddle water, get the cyclist to flip you a bird, and still arrive at the red light first, you know you've made it.
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