D**n the consequences!

I think probably the book that was most instrumental in my decision to homeschool my children was Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. I never could figure out how people got their kids to stay in time-outs, how they kept track of and were consistently able to enforce various consequences, and how, through all this, they managed to remain apparently unmoved and detached.

My own adventures with my kids were much more emotionally charged. When I first cried in sheer exasperation in front of my son, and later worried that I've scarred him for life, my husband said emotions were part of family life, and it was good for kids to see them. When I tried setting limits and consequences in more traditional ways, my mother pulled me aside and whispered: "I think you're breaking his spirit..." I was thinking the same thing.

The idea of imposing consequences never really got a toehold in our house, because, well... I don't believe in them. I've always wanted to treat my children and full-fledged members of the household, capable of speaking for themselves and making their own decisions. The problem is, of course, that children are  children, and they don't always know what they want or what is in their best interest. They're also not that great at keeping and eye on the broader view, like the needs of the whole family, or the personal or professional needs of the parents.

The way most institutions, and indeed, many families, deal with that, is to impose rules and limits of acceptable behaviors, and consequences when the limits are breached.

It's not that I don't believe in the need for any rules and limits. But I feel that for them to be meaningful, they have to to be accepted by all parties involved. And I don't believe that I can get buy-in by imposing consequences for non-compliance. And when you don't have buy-in, are you really getting your kid to understand the true consequences of his actions, or only encouraging him to become better at evading the consequences he knows you'll impose?

I don't have all the answers by any stretch. I often leave a room, and close the door with conviction and finality, only to return a few minutes later waving a white flag. I don't want consequences; I want harmony!

The other day we had a rare afternoon of sunshine. Three out of four household members were enthusiastic about taking a walk. My son was not. One thing led to another, and the idea of a pleasant walk deteriorated into a family argument, door slamming, threats and tears. I pointed out to my son for the nth time, that I couldn't make him do something he didn't want to do, but I could, as a consequence, keep him from doing something he enjoyed. Needless to say, my lecture brought only more unhappiness, more tears, and failed to resolve anything.

In the end, while Chris went for a walk with our daughter, I managed to get Peter out of doors on the condition it would only be around the block. Fine. I'll take what I can get. While climbing the mountains of plowed snow around our neighborhood, we talked about his need for control. Regardless of what I think, Peter complained that he feels he is always told what to do. Interestingly, he was willing to admit that he didn't always know what he ought to be doing, and needed some guidance. We talked quite frankly about his craving to make his own choices throughout the day on the one hand, and on the other, the need for us to accomplish things as a family, as working parents, as a homeschoolers.

Did we solve the problem? No. At least not yet. But, as many times in the past, I feel I have gotten through. I have observed him many times making the kind of argument we make with him: using his reasons, his logic, trying to find a win-win, and to get us to buy-in to whatever ideas he has of his own. Although it often seems we're taking a couple steps forward and a step back, I feel that our open discussions, frankness, and the willingness to include him as a partner in our dialog will pay off in the long run.

I hope.

Comments

[Susan]

I haven't been able to do the timeout thing either. I've watched parents count to the last number before dadummmm.. and then kids stop doing the whatever. I always wondered what happened if they counted to the end and the kids were still doing the whatever. But I don't remember seeing that outcome as it seemed effective. One more thing I could envy as a mother, I guess.
Our home can get emotionally charged too, but I think the ongoing communication after disruptions does make a difference. We might not agree, but we know where we all stand and I think the mutual respect cinches it maybe.
I have been humbled (and frightened) sometimes when I realized how much power I could have over my kids with my actions or words.

[kim]

Yeah. February is long. Very long. Simple things like getting air and exercise and light can become so important to us. I spent 3 or 4 days trying to get my kids out of pajamas and the house.

But I get you about the consequences and freedom of choice. It is a common theme over here with my tween-aged child too, having a bit more say in things while not yet having the maturity to express it, follow-thru or make decisions that seem sound to adult heads. It is tricky, but it sounds like you two had a nice talk about it and that beats a time out any day.

[Christa]

My seemingly perfect agenda is often thwarted by these typs of episodes. Consensus is rare. I am reminded almost daily about the importance of the process, and the compromises that eventually come when the littler people feel honored and heard. Great post.