Who? Me? Radical?

"A strong democratic sense of your being the world's equal lets you take what you will from the endless advice it offers, and then set blithely out."
(from Out of the Labyrinth by Ellen & Robert Kaplan)

A friend whom I otherwise admire enormously sometimes wears a t-shirt that makes me absolutely crazy. On the back it says: "I think, therefore I am vegetarian."
One of the reasons I admire my friend, is that although she clearly has her own convictions and principles, she has never made me feel that whatever convictions and principles I have are any less valid.
Her t-shirt has.
My friend allows for a diversity of views.
Her t-shirt does not.

Sometimes in life, we are called upon to defend our choices and beliefs. As homeschooling parents, we are accustomed to periodically coming up against criticisms, questions and doubts from the society at large, and we are fairly adept at countering its arguments and standing our ground. We've come to expect some criticism from those quarters, and we are not that surprised on those occasions when we are asked to justify ourselves. Do we resent being thus questioned? I suppose it depends on who is doing the questioning and how they go about it. An individual who has a preconceived notion of the type of person you might be, or starts from a misguided premise that you are a bad parent, is clearly a very different case than one who questions from a point of genuine curiosity or maybe mystification of disbelief.

As I said, I've gotten used to those questions coming from outside the homeschooling community, but I've never before had an experience of being taken to task for my choices from within it. I guess when I first started reading homeschooling blogs, I picked up on a bit of a dissonance between those of a Christian bent, and those of a more inclusive persuasion. But, although I've met many different homeschoolers,  I have never come into direct confrontation with anyone whose homeschooling principles were different than my own. For one thing, I assume that, as homeschooling families, we are always in pursuit, rather than in possession of answers. For another, I believe we have chosen the homeschooling lifestyle so that we could retain the flexibility to choose what is best for ourselves and our children, and that our choices might change over time, as needs change.

I am really happy that two years before, I joined a real community of unschoolers in Chicago. During these two years after I've taken my son from school and decided against sending my daughter there, I have gradually migrated in my approach and beliefs to the unschooling end of the homeschooling spectrum. It hasn't been a particularly harrowing journey, but it was one that I undertook with a lot of trepidation, commitment, self-questioning and eyes and ears wide open to the suggestions and experiences of others.

Throughout this process, I spent a lot of time reading in print and on the internet, and talking to more experienced homeschooling and unschooling parents. As I searched, the question foremost in my mind was "what is best for my children and for my family". After a couple of years into my search, I feel that I am by no means an expert, but that I certainly have valuable input to contribute to the discussion on the topic of educating children at home. These discussions are extremely useful to both new and seasoned homeschooling parents, because, as I have observed, we are perpetually in search of something that might solve an old problem better, help address a new problem, or validate something that we have undertaken with success. And, as generous and kind-hearted souls, we are eager to share our triumphs with other families.

In my experience, what we share are not prescriptions for doing things better. We understand that each family, each group of completely unique individuals comprising each family, is entirely unlike any other. Therefore, what we exchange with one another are merely suggestions: this has worked for us; try it, if you think it might help, and see how it goes. What was engaging and helpful about these discussions is that no one knew it all. New and experienced families were all on a journey of self-discovery, ready to to offer and hear new ideas. No one had found "the way". Everyone was still searching, still learning.

It was in this spirit that I joined an online discussion about video games on Radical Unschoolers Network, a virtual community. I felt I had something in common with the woman who began the discussion and was looking for help because she did not like what was happening to her 12 year old after he had played a lot of video games. After scanning the 80+ comments submitted, most of which more or less advised her to leave the kid alone a let him play as much as he desired, I thought I'd share the fact that we have had some positive results with simply having our son write down how much time he was spending on different activities, including video games. We, as parents, were also jotting down how we spent our time, because we were curious why it sometimes seemed that we had very little of it to spare. I also disclosed that I had purchased a book called "The Kids Are Alright" on the benefits of playing video games, and invited my son to read it.

You would have thought that I had locked him in a dank dungeon with a clay tablet around his neck, and a chisel in hand, and demanded he stay there until he not only produced a publishable book review, but also accounted for every second of the time he had spent there. My comment, offered in support to the parent who confessed to having a problem, generated an avalanche of questions from others about my  parenting skills, hidden agenda, putting undue stress on my son, and culminated in one reader saying her thirteen year old was "horrified" that I would make my son read such a book. I tried to clarify my position, but I wasn't making any headway. And I didn't like having to measure my choices against some abstract, ideal and perfect way to raise children.

How can a conversation had with people on the internet, whom I don't know, and who, truth be told, care as little about me as I about them, have such a profound effect on me, that it has awakened me at in the middle of the night on a couple of occasions?

It did. I was feeling so unsettled by this online exchange, that I asked my son how he really felt about jotting down how much time he spends doing stuff.

"Uh, it's no big deal. It's like, I just put a mark on a calendar"
"You don't feel stressed out?"
"Nuh-uh."
"And how about that book, about the computer games?"
"Oh, that was kinda interesting. How they made it all scientific."
"So you don't mind reading it?"
"Well, I don't get all of it. But there are a lot of interesting things in it. I'll keep on reading it when I feel like it."

Whew! Turns out I am still more in touch with my son than is the online community.

So, I'm a little bruised. But I still feel a world's equal. And, with my vegetarian friend, I will hold on to my principles. The most important of which is to let other people stand by theirs.

Comments

[Lori]

beautiful post! I was waiting for the "but then...." part, and as soon as you mentioned that you were doing a little on line forum-ing, I knew where that "but then" was coming from. I used to be an avid reader and sometimes participator in the unschooling.com message boards (now defunct, or re-named) but decided a few years ago that I wasn't interested in such a dogmatic interpretation of unschooling.

and, I saw, and was the recipient of, too many cyber-spankings over similar issues. I'm not sure when the term unschooling got co- opted by a group of people dictacting a very specific set of instructions, but it kind of did a number on me for a while, had me kind of immobilized. And then I figured out that I didn't have to listen to what these people were saying- that unschooling is not a term that has one clear definition applicable to every family and every kid.

I discovered that I am more able to trust myself and my kids when I'm not participating, even as a lurker, in those kinds of message boards. I found that they just exhausted me, and kept me from being able to figure out what my kids needed.

Perhaps there is a need for a Rational Unschoolers Network (as opposed to Radical), but I suspect that it would be made up of people who've pretty much figured out that the people they most need to network with are their kids.

[justyna]

Thank you Lori. And this is precisely why I enjoy talking to people from our real community of unschoolers.
(That, and learning new words, like "cyberspanking".)

[kristen]

Last year I went to an Unschoolers Gathering and I was feeling like a fraud because even though to most people the amount of "schoolwork" we do is minimal and to most people's standards we are unschoolers-we are NOT radical unschoolers. My kids have bedtimes, I make them eat fruit and veggies, I make them brush their teeth and they may not sit in front of the TV all day etc... I was pleasantly surprised to hear many times that week, that unschooling does not mean unparenting. You need to do what works for your family and not woryy if you fit the label or if the label fits what you are doing. Just do what works. I often say we are very relaxed homeschoolers. Let them think what they want. It is those crazy radicals that think they have something to prove instead of just doing it -kind of like the religious zealots!

[Justyna]

Yes, I like the distinction between unparenting and unschooling. Also interesting is "classical unschooling" as outlined here by Doc (http://docsdomain.net/blog/?p=41).
I like the idea of a Rational Unchoolers Network, as long as it involves networking with the kids. Otherwise, I fear that turning anything into a "network" is only a short way from turning it into a "system", and then we're only a hop and a skip from an "ideology".
Let's just call ourselves rational, and leave it at that.

[Lori]

agreed!

the email discussion list I like most is called Unschooling Resources, and it's just a clearing house of "cool stuff".... no discussion about who is unschooly-er than thou... just people asking and answering posts like "my kid and I need a new chapter book, he really likes science fiction, what are your favorites"... and people posting cool links and so forth.

sadly the list has been very low traffic lately, but's it's been a really good resource in the past.

[Lori]

the radical unschooling list is not a place of open minds or even temperaments .. i hope you didn't tell them that you make your kids brush their teeth!! :^O (if you do! ;^)

[Justyna]

Somehow, I had an inkling that there a re more reasonable parents out there than not. I try to make my kids brush their teeth. But sometimes they outsmart me.
Thanks for stopping by, Lori. I've enjoyed reading about blind contour drawing on your site before (and about your Airstream...) I'll have to stop back and see what you're up to.

[Kim]

Hey, I don't know how I missed this post,or as Lori calls it, your cyber spanking. I haven't seen that thread but I have certainly seen many like them all over the web. I think it is more a result of the relative anonymity of the internet than it is a characteristic of this type of homeschooler. Anyway,dogma of any sort is an energy sucker not an energy giver. Sounds like you feel as if a place you trusted as safe to share no longer feels that way to you. Sorry to hear that. Here's hoping you have extracted your mind from it and are looking at all of the amazing things you and your kids have accomplished over the past two years thanks to your choices.

[Veronica Boulden]

I'm late to this. I noticed the other comments were made in November. I laughed at the word "cyber spanking" too and I will take that away from this and use it again. But, I want you to know that I think this post is profound. I like the quote at the very beginning and what you said at the end... "I will hold on to my principles. The most important of which is to let other people stand by theirs." I try to live by this myself, even when it is very uncomfortable for me and I think people are absolutely wrong. I just try to check myself and remember that others have often thought and may still think the same about me. :) Well said. Thanks.

[Justyna]

Never too late! I think this issue will be alive and well for a long time to come. Thanks for stopping by, and for your comments.